Monday, August 29, 2016

Bogged Down


It's been a hideously long, and just generally hideous week. First there was Ventus' accident, wherein the little genius sneaked out of the house successfully, only to fall down some stairs. He hurt his nose, was in shock, crawled under a car to hide, and wouldn't come out, even though he saw me searching for him.

Recovery has been confusing for the both of us, with him refusing to eat, and my following him around with various different foods, trying to get him to eat.

Then there was a particular complication in my personal life - and I honestly did think this particular gift was out of giving, but nope, boy, was I wrong or what?

Then there was Frankie passing away, and... oh, God, just so much. I've been staying late at work every day, consequently getting less sleep, eating out, and what have you because I don't have the energy to cook. On Saturday I stayed till midnight, and was so upset the entire day, that I hadn't finished my work even after FIFTEEN HOURS of being at work.

What can I say? When a depressive episode hits, it warps your sense of time and productivity. You feel like you've been working super hard for hours, but really you may as well have been going backwards for all the good it done you.

So there was me going into work on a Sunday, basically spending around four to five hours outside the house when ALL I wanted to do was lay down and DIE, like you hear some dogs do.

And now I have to GO BACK. And no, not even the prospect of seeing a particular someone is enough to entice me into getting the hell up.

Rainbow Bridge


Yesterday, around afternoon, it struck me that a whole new day had dawned without my baby breathing in it somewhere. It was a horrid thought, and there wasn't anything I could do with it.

Or about it.

Frankie is gone. Even if I say it a million times, and no matter how I say it, that is a line that just doesn't ring true. My mind refuses to compute.

Frankie? My Frankie? Francis cat?

How can he be gone?

A friend posted a lovely message on my Instagram, pointing out that cats hang around even after their nine lives are done, because they're not good at doing what they're told. I like to keep thinking about Frankster the Prankster grumbling around my house because he doesn't like the fact that he seems to have been replaced. Frankie never did deal with jealousy well. I like to think about him coming back to keep Tandacat company, because those two are the best of friends, and the hair-raising shriek she let out when she finally saw his body was heartbreaking.

I like to think of my baby curled up on our verandah for the rest of my life, fast asleep right next to Ventus, 'coz that's ALL he ever wants to do - sleep.

My dear Pranjipoo, I've thought of you every day I've been away from you. And not a day will pass by now that I will not think of you. You've taken up so much space in my life over the past four years, space that Tanda and Ventus cannot fill, because it's your space. Nobody takes Mr. Foufflywhiskers' spot. Nobody. And you will continue to fill that space, until the day I finally pass on, and meet you at the Rainbow Bridge.

Thursday, August 25, 2016

They See Me Rollin', They Shamin'

Some days, you know exactly how it's going to turn out, but you do those things anyway. Because you're unfriendly if you don't and a slut if you do. Lol, how predictable can people get?

Listen up, friends. Im either a hobo or I'm getting laid. There is no in between. Dont ask me to dress up and expect me to turn up in a cotton gingham pinafrock prop from the Anne of Green Gables set. That shit is so not happening. I am not you. I do not, never have, and never will dress like you. And thank goodness for that, because, seriously. Its a dress. Your maanam won't go anywhere coz you wear it.

Monday, August 22, 2016

Shopping

It's freezing cold. My jacket isn't helping, it's time to maybe bring a second one. Having cried myself to sleep, I'm now sleepy and my eyes are tired. I'm hungry, and worn out, and I'm still glad for all that because it'll teach each me how to numbly adjust to the grind.

Patience I have none. Loneliness is everywhere. And you tell me I should smoke less, when my cigarettes are the only thing I can count on.

Butt the fuck out, hey? Policing smoking is no different from policing clothing on the basis of "safety" concerns. Ultimately it's none of your business. Go away.

I tell people I took a sobriety vow. It's true. I was never an alcoholic. I didn't drink every day, or every week, or even every month. But every time I drank, stupid shit happened. My body reacted badly. My mind went wild. Remember that, even as you go drinking every weekend and spend thousands on random shopping trips.

I don't go shopping coz I can't afford it. I don't cut my hair coz I can't afford it. There's a lot I don't do coz I can't afford it. But I can afford to smoke, so I do.

My ex once kicked up a huge fuss over my going to an expensive sushi place for dinner, even though I was broke all the time. He was earning a LOT, he pointed out, and supporting me half the time, and even he wouldn't go there.

It's the only time I've ever eaten sushi, and the memory of our fight has kept it that way.

My ex was a Republican, wasn't he? Ugh.
People don't get that if you're chronically broke, sometimes you need to treat yourself so you don't feel like you suck so much all the time.

It's funny how many things my friends just take for granted, and casually toss out at me. Money, people. I don't have it. And what little I do have, I'm gonna spend on whatever I like, be it cat supplies, a movie ticket, or smokes.

This is the worst thing about not being in Dubai anymore. Things were cheaper there, whether you believe it or not. The Indian market has been cornered by shitty stores like Westside or Max or Mango, selling you shitty over priced clothes they tell you ought to like.

Trust me when I tell you I've seen the real stuff - the good stuff - and it sure as hell doesn't cost half as much.

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Never Ending Story


Turn around
Look at what you see
In her face
The mirror of your dreams

Make believe I'm everywhere
Given in the light
Written on the pages
Is the answer to a never ending story



Reach the stars
Fly a fantasy
Dream a dream
And what you see will be

Rhymes that keep their secrets
Will unfold behind the clouds
And there upon a rainbow
Is the answer to a never ending story

Story..


Show no fear
For she may fade away
In your hand
The birth of a new day

Rhymes that keep their secrets
Will unfold behind the clouds
And there upon a rainbow
Is the answer to a never ending story


Never ending story

Never ending story

Never ending story

- Never Ending Story
Limahl (OST Never Ending Story)

Piss On My Head Lolz


I'm SO bored. There are days when I really don't wanna talk to anyone, and then there are days when no matter how much I talk to people, it just doesn't feel enough. These are the moments when my dating intentions seem suspect, because it feels like a big reason for why I want to date would be to have someone I can hold hostage accountable, and be like, "okay, where are you, why you no talk to me?"

I really wish I could do that.

Also, what's with the weather. It's like it's got two options: Piss On My Head, and Suffocatingly Hot. There is no in-between. 

Spectrum Part I: Asexuality


I've been reading a lot recently about aro/ace and also thinking about something my friend said when I objected to the use of cis/trans as pertaining to anything other than strictly cis or trans gendered individuals. 

The world consists of so many beautiful spectrums, and yet so many people choose not to look at any of that, and choose to deny the existence of anything other than the most boring cis-het nonsense. 
But WHY.

I mean, acknowledge other people if for nothing other than the fact that life is so much more amazing and logical than -- okay, you know what, never mind. That's not where I was going with that sentence. 

We look at sexuality as a spectrum - so where does aro/ace fall on that? Can there be a unified spectrum, or like, an aurora borealis representation, or something? That would be so amazing, and my imagination so limited. *cries*

Here's a primer, because I love lists!!!! 

I. Asexuality (Ace) Spectrum

1. AsexualSomeone who feels no sexual attraction to anyone of any gender. 

source: http://www.asexualityarchive.com/the-asexuality-flag/
Black: Ace
Grey: Grey-A and Demi
White: Non-Ace partners and allies
Purple: Community


It's not to say that all asexuals abstain completely from sex - you may want to do it because you have a partner who isn't ace (you don't have to, but you may want to, even in the absence of sexual attraction - key distinction). But asexuality - from what I gather - is largely characterised by desire for non-sexual relationships, friendships, and romantic attachment, as the case may be. 

It would be incorrect to state that asexual individuals do not experience sexual desire, or that they are incapable of having sexual intercourse. Such is not the case - they merely do not experience sexual attraction towards another individual.

A recent post on an Ace community I follow spoke about how the OP is married to a non-ace partner, and she basically trades chores for sex, because to her it's like any other chore, and she's happy to do it for her partner as long as she's getting something else in return. A couple of people commenting on the post were rather negative about that, suggesting that if she doesn't like to do it, then she shouldn't (have to). She replied emphasizing on the fact that it's perfectly fine, as long as her partner isn't getting an undue advantage out of the relationship - hence the trading of chores. 

[Interestingly, the all suffocating Catholic Church has, for its own messed up reasons, a version of Ace marriage known as the Joseph and Mary marriage, where a married couple do not engage in sexual interaction because they don't want to, but live and love together and devote their time to charitable works etc etc. There were a couple of married saints who had this form of marriage, which is why I remember it.]


Demisexual: Someone who feels sexual attraction to someone only after they've formed a strong emotional bond.

Source: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Demisexual_Flag.jpg

I remember having this heated debate on demisexuality with my (cis-het) ex boyfriend, where I was handicapped by a lack of understanding of what exactly demisexuality was. My main argument was that you can't deny the existence of something just 'coz you personally haven't experienced it - sounds pretty basic, right? LOL. He felt that since most people didn't form sexual relationships without an emotional basis anyway, this "Shouldn't Be A Thing."

*rolls eyes forever*

You can feel sexual attraction without actually forming a sexual relationship (newsflash!). So even if you're refraining from actually engaging in sexual interaction with someone you're attracted to, because you think sex is this precious cinnamon roll thingy that should be saved for LOUVE, you're not actually demisexual, because the attraction exists. 

Only feeling sexual attraction when you know the person is attracted to you.

source: http://pride-flags.deviantart.com/art/Recipsexual-Reciprosexual-610074502
Pinks: Attraction (slightly mixed with purple to reference the Ace community)
White: Lack of attraction
Black: Ace/Aro
Since reciprosexual people are unlikely to feel attraction when not around people who'd be attracted to them, they may easily identify with the larger ace identity as well.

4. Grey-Asexual (GrAce or Grey-A):
Rarely feeling sexual attraction towards anyone.

Source: http://pride-flags-for-us.tumblr.com/post/94831365049/is-there-a-gray-asexual-flag-i-havent-been-able
Grey-Asexuals may go years without feeling sexual attraction, or may have only ever felt attracted to one or two people in their entire lives. As this link states, it can perhaps be described as "asexual-ish".

5. Lithsexual/Akiosexual: 
Someone who experiences sexual attraction without desire for reciprocation.
Source: http://www.quoices.org/knowledge/flags-symbols/sexuality-flags/lithsexual-flag/
6. Aceflux
When your degree of asexuality changes - you may range from sex repulsed to sex adverse or not minding have sex.
Source: http://pride-flags-for-us.tumblr.com/post/121213891764/made-an-aceflux-flag

Woot. These are the major labels under the Ace Umbrella/Spectrum that I've been able to find. I've linked all the sources I used too. In addition, there are numerous facebook pages that post about Ace/Aro matters: Fabulous Chase is the page that gave me a starting point. It's wonderful, check them out. 

Next post up: The Aromantic Spectrum

Saturday, August 13, 2016

Scum

I feel sick sick sick. Completely sick. Nauseous. Wanna throw up kinda sick.

And so angry. So filled with hate. I just wanna finish my work and... I dunno. I need to go unwind somewhere.

Bossy Girls Make The World Go Round


Yesterday I managed to finish my work off (pending stuff and all) by 8 30. I guess it helps that N took the day off, so we didn't go off to take long breaks and talk about the really important things in life.

Work isn't somewhere I can really be myself, so I end up infantilizing myself in order to stay out of trouble. A defence mechanism I picked up a long time ago, back in school. I never really had understood the idea of sucking up to teachers, simpering at them, talking to them about things that didn't really matter. Not that all teachers want that, but there are those that react very positively to it (and completely ignore you if you don't do that).

We had an art teacher in school. Her name began with R - Rashmi? Roshni? Something like that. Being an art teacher, she obviously didn't fit in very well with the other faculty, because they were all mallu and acted like they had a stick up their ass. And she had this little crowd of favourites who could do NO WRONG in her eyes. She'd pick them for her art projects, and they'd get to skip class and stuff. And that was the first time I tried smiling sweetly at a teacher, and baby talking them. Imagine my astonishment when it worked. I'd known this woman for years, been yelled at and made to kneel through class (along with, like, half the rest of the class) for not bringing my art materials (seriously, who even remembers to bring that stuff?!)

And then one smile is all it takes, and I'm suddenly a part of her little pet crowd. Astonishing indeed.

My supervisor at work is one of those friendly bullies who sail through life by throwing their weight around (sometimes literally). You know the ones I'm talking about - they have so much personality that it sort of drowns everybody else out, especially if you're not making an effort to be loud. She was probably one of those girls who was told she was bossy as a kid - because she is. And now she leads a team, so yeah, we really need to get onto that whole encouraging bossy girls to be more bossy thingy.

The problem is that since we're all so busy trying to get those girls in line, we never actually take the time to teach them to temper their bossiness for optimum result. That's something they teach themselves, with mixed results. My supervisor's turned out well, for the most part, but you can just tell that actually standing up to her is going to result in a real-time firefight. With explosions.

I can handle her because she's the spitting personality image of one of my best friends. Again, all of the same stuff - and it gets on your nerves after a while, even though it doesn't make you love them any less. But speaking up about things that are NOT OKAY? Yeah, I don't really know how to handle that right now. 

Friday, August 12, 2016

Wet And Dry

When the rainy season crashes into your dry spell, you know you're done for.

PS: Can't stop sniggering about the title. Is this what those so-called "incels" feel like?